Officer Squiggly might not profile you for wearing a hoodie or making eye contact, but he certainly will violate your right to travel for moving above an arbitrarily-selected rate of speed. Officer Squiggly might not hurl condescending remarks at you because of racism or bigotry, but he will still expect you to comply with all of his orders out of fear. Officer Squiggly might not beat or shoot you to death over made-up charges, but he still reserves the discretion to cite you, which if not paid will result in a higher fines or even imprisonment.

These are all things Officer Squiggly – a sentient human being – has the ability to not do, yet he does them anyway. Surely he has incentives to make multiple traffic stops every day, but isn’t that the point of having principles? They don’t come with exceptions? These actions would be insane for any non-officer to do to somebody else.

Imagine you’re running late to lunch with a friend. Suppose you were speeding to get there, and upon arrival you tersely mention to your friend the brisk flight for punctuality you had just completed. Now, imagine if your friend quickly pulled out his pen, and on a napkin wrote you – in the name of public safety – a bill for $200, claiming your cranky tone and dangerous driving is the reason. And if you don’t pay the bill soon, your friend will personally make sure you won’t be allowed to drive by locking you in his basement. Would you feel like your friend has your best interest in mind? Would you describe that person as “good” afterwards? Is the quality of your life then improved after being extorted and threatened? Of course not! You would tell your buddy he’s crazy, and if he keeps that shit up you aren’t going to talk to him ever again!

So, Officer Squiggly, I would like to let you know that while I applaud you for not using excessive force while on duty, you still use force. Thinking it is morally acceptable to inconvenience the lives of others in the way that you do is a mistake. Nobody wants you to tell them how to drive. Nobody wants a speeding ticket. Nobody wants pulled over. Even if your potential victim is being reckless, your admonishment is not going to make people drive better – ever. It will never happen. That’s not how people work.

Officer Squiggly, if you’re reading this, you may be less bad, but don’t call yourself humble. I appreciate your aversion to violence, but me and most others are not going to meet you at a shoot out between gang members – we are going to meet you after you use those bright lights and shiny badge to give us anxiety attacks and ruin our schedules for the day.

Good people don’t do that. So, stand up for something and stop extorting the time and money of others. Ignore your supervisor’s expectations for revenue collection and start looking for a private security job (I know a couple guys who would hire you). And in the mean time, if you’re really concerned about somebody’s driving, run the license plate, send ’em a Facebook message, and offer to buy the person a coffee. That may sound a little creepy, but don’t pretend like you aren’t stalking people on Facebook anyway.

Thanks.