Earlier this spring, three cop blockers from Dayton, Ohio decided to take the trip up I-75 to warn drivers of an OVI checkpoint in Allen County, which was conducted by the Ohio State Highway Patrol. I was one of them and got to partake in some novel treatment by the police.

After finding an area to hold signs, only a half hour had passed before an OSHP vehicle raced towards us cop blockers, who had our cell phones recording. The cruiser stopped, and it’s windows rolled down to reveal two law enforcement officers holding in their hands a shocking sight, almost unbelievable…

…A large cheese and pepperoni pizza.  Watch below:

Yes, two cops decided to buy three anarchists a piping hot pizza (and even three sodas). Us cop blockers were shocked, yet happily accepted considering that no man has ever turned down a free pie. The police were thanked, and before they left reminded us by saying “See? Not all cops are bad.”

Was it BS? Possibly. Could they be saving face? Likely. Is it appreciated? Certainly.

Contrast this with the despicable actions of the Lima Police Department (in Allen County), which not only beats unarmed 19 year-olds unconscious, but also censors those who condemn it.

In honor of the Allen County Patrol, I’ve composed a list of 5 ways any police department can better treat activists and/or cop blockers:

5. Give Us Free Food

Free pizza is awesome, but if you REALLY care about getting along, I will be the first to request a monthly food stipend, not unlike an EBT card. Considering that I don’t have a job and live in my parent’s basement, it’ll be a big help. $200 should do it. Reasonable, I think.

4. Stop Pretending You’re Not a Cop

Whether you are off duty, or trolling the internet, you are not a master of disguise. Try removing your Oakleys or changing your Facebook privacy settings once in a while. Spotting a police officer acting like a citizen is as easy as finding a transvestite in a biker bar. Only the transvestite isn’t going to beat me senseless if I give him a weird look.

3. Read a Book

The most tedious part of cop blocking is constantly having to educate every rank of LEO, and even judges on matters ranging from freedom to grammar. It really gets old explaining complicated subjects like when not to shoot someone, the fact that I own my body, or basic sentence structure. We understand that in some cases you may not be allowed to be intelligent, but that’s hardly an excuse. Wikipedia, guys. Srsly.

2. Enunciate Clearly

The odds are the shit YOU say will be used against you in court, and we make sure of it because our cameras are always rolling. However, often cops appear to have speech impediments. Sometimes you only imagine the orders you are giving, while expecting us to comply like mind-readers. If each of you could slow down and fully-form your thoughts before speaking plainly, transcribing your coercion will be much easier when we are making our videos late at night in between fapping sessions.

1. Quit

This one is serious. There isn’t a better life choice you could make than to stop being a police officer. Give up the extra rights, and give back to your community by not locking them in cages for nonviolent crimes. This way you will never be put in the position to ruin another man or woman’s life again. A good second choice is standing up for solid principles instead of the bureaucracy within your own department. If this the first time you’ve considered this, please see some helpful resources here. Either way, we will welcome you with open arms, and the world will be a better place for it.

-Written by Jordan Freshour